Razi returns Frigga to her room, but not as secretly as either of them might like.
Frigga
The distant song of a clock rang, but Frigga didn’t hear it. She stared out the window and watched the Magnus-Monroe carriage speed away as she leaned her forehead on the cool glass and ran a palm over the book she’d long since given up on reading. The chill of the window helped her wake up, she was still so sleepy and hadn’t even changed out of the nightgown she’d changed into when she got back to her room.
She wished she could go back and do last night all over again, experience her evening with Razi again. It was everything she’d wanted, more than she’d wanted, and Frigga had the feeling that it was just the beginning. But, gods, those hands, her skin, those lips, the memory of Razi’s body tangled up with hers sent Frigga’s mind into another dimension, the memories rushing through her mind so vividly she could almost feel Razi’s lips on her body again.
“Dear?” said a voice from the door.
Frigga jumped in her surprise and found her aunt at her threshold. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in! Good morning, Auntie.”
Sapphire smiled and swept over to Frigga. “Afternoon, Dear.”
“Is it?” Frigga looked at the clock on the fireplace mantle finding it well past noon. She’d been staring out her window for hours. “Oh, look at that,” she said absently. Her aunt’s expression took on a tinge of concern. “How are you feeling? You seem ill.” Frigga put her book aside and gave her aunt her full attention, even if a part of her brain was still trying to claw its way back into her fantasies. “I’m perfectly fine, I’m just tired.” Sapphire sat next to Frigga and folded her hands daintily over her lap. “Of course. I have some exciting news for you.”
Exciting news? Frigga narrowed her eyes, searching for a tell in Sapphire’s serene expression. “Does it have something to do with your lunch with Theodore?”
Frigga’s heart sank when her aunt smiled with genuine enthusiasm. “Yes,” she said, “we’ve come to an agreement as two families regarding a betrothal between you and Marcus.” Frigga looked back out the window, doing her best to remain neutral in the face of this soul crushing news. She knew this was coming, how could she not have? This was the absolute last thing she wanted to deal with right now. “That didn’t take long.”
“Truth be told,” Sapphire said as she took one of Frigga’s hands in hers, “Theodore and I began our talks about this months ago. Seeing you and Marcus having a lovely time together last night and at the last coven meet gave us both such hope.”
Marcus? He was sweet, charming, and almost as feminine as she was. But she wasn’t interested in him like that, he was still a man after all. “Why wasn’t I party to those discussions?” she asked, monitoring her tone carefully for signs of her panic.
Her aunt waved a hand dismissively. “No need to get you involved, you have other things to worry about! It’s a fact that this union would be good for everyone involved including you. You’re so young, it’s better to let you focus on your studies and let me handle this for you.”
A thrill of anger rushed through Frigga’s chest, but she smothered it as quickly as she could. “I don’t know, I don’t feel ready.”
“Frigga,” her aunt said, the threat of disapproval hanging off her tone, “don’t you like Marcus?”
Frigga’s cheeks warmed. “Yes, he’s my friend, but-“
“And don’t you want to make your family proud?”
“Of course I do!”
“You know your marriage is very important to everyone, and this will be your best option. It’s the best match our family has ever had!” Sapphire laid a hand on Frigga’s knee and her tone shifted from barely dissatisfied to a soft, would-be motherly lilt. “And the Magnus-Monroe’s are excited to marry back into magic which, of course, is understandable.”
Frigga took in a deep, shuddering breath. She was cornered and her aunt was right; it was a good match for everyone. The Thornehearts would gain personal access to the resources of the wealthiest family in the province, the Magnus-Monroes would revive their bloodline’s magic, the coven’s Heir Apparent would be married and therefore likely carry on the family line that ensured the coven’s success, and Honeyshore’s economy would benefit from the whole event. For her part, she couldn’t think of any man she’d rather be married to than Marcus. She could do much worse than him, and she genuinely liked the man. He was lovely. If it had to be a man, Marcus was the only choice. He would make up for her lack of enthusiasm for social events, and she would temper his wilder tendencies.
Sapphire rubbed Frigga’s knee with a thumb. “I know your heart lies elsewhere, and it’s certainly not unheard of to have a paramour outside of your marriage. I’m sure Marcus would sympathize. He might even want to do the same.”
Frigga’s hands fiddled with her chain necklace. Maybe this wasn’t so bad? She’d make her family and coven happy and she could also have someone she loved. It wasn’t what she wanted, but when did she ever get what she wanted? “Did Marcus agree to this?”
“He will, just like you.”
Frigga bowed her head and shut her mouth. It was no use protesting, the plan was already in motion and her agreement to it was a mere formality.
Sapphire stood and placed her hand on Frigga’s shoulder before adding, “There will be an engagement party at their home in a week with the coven, and that will be the official announcement. Afterwards we’ll begin to plan.”
She swallowed dryly and took one more deep breath. “Yes, ma’am,” she said, her voice strained under the pressure. If her aunt noticed, she did not remark on it. Instead, Sapphire turned and walked out, leaving Frigga to wallow.
So, she was going to be engaged tomorrow to a man she would never love. Frigga had known this engagement was coming, that it was only a matter of time before she’d be married off to some noble or coven member’s son, but she’d hoped that, when the time came, she’d have some ability to put this engagement off even by just a few weeks. Thinking back to her aunt’s suggestion to take Razi as a mistress, it seemed like such a vapid, inadequate
alternative. Frigga yearned for her in ways she’d never thought possible, but there was no way to have her in a way that could satisfy that yearning. Razi hadn’t even been able to tell her what she was to her, it was unfathomable that she’d let herself be with someone as a secondary partner and she deserved better than that.
Frigga shivered, remembering Razi’s touch from the night before. She yearned for her, those broad shoulders and dark eyes made Frigga lose her mind and there was nothing she loved more than Razi’s hands. They were dark, strong, calloused from hard work, but had also been gentle and sweet with her last night. Frigga would give almost anything for those hands to be back on her right this minute. She’d thought of Razi almost constantly for the last six weeks, ever since they met that early morning in the kitchen. She shouldn’t have gotten so attached, certainly shouldn’t have paid that visit last night, but she hadn’t been able to help herself, Razi was just wonderful.
At so many things.
She had done this to herself. Curse her for not being able to resist. Why couldn’t she have buried her nose in her books like always?
She wanted to give Razi the space she needed to figure out her own heart free of pressure, to give herself that, but there wasn’t time. Engagements, babies, and affairs were always fast catching tinder for the gossip fires, so Frigga would have to tell Razi as soon as possible.
She had intended to stay the rest of the day in her room, but Frigga decided to take her usual outing that afternoon. She had Doris make the official request to meet at 2:00 and then had the attendant help her dress in something appropriate to get dirty if she decided to get up and personal with some soil.
It was frustrating that she needed help for basic things and had no say in her own outfits on a day-to-day basis. Her schedule, her meals, even the socks on her feet were all decided on for her. It all felt a bit intentional, as if someone was keeping her dependant on purpose. It was likely meant as a help so that she might keep her attention on coven matters and her studies, but it had Frigga feeling like a puppet on her aunt’s string. Especially now that her aunt decided even who she would marry. Would Frigga ever have a shred of backbone? Probably not because it didn’t matter what Frigga wanted, not when her family and coven relied on her.
As that thought crossed her mind, Gertrude knocked on the door. “Miss, may I have a private word?” Unusual, but it was clear the woman was troubled by something. Frigga sat at her dressing table with her hair cascading over her shoulders freely. They’d been about to put her curls in her usual, practical braid, but Doris was rushed out of the room. Gertrude closed the door behind her.
“Miss Thorneheart,” she said as she held her tense hands clasped together in front of her. Her mid-toned skin was wrinkled from years of stressful work, but her eyes were kind and filled with
concern. Her greying, dark auburn hair had a slight curl to it, and it was pinned neatly back out of her face.
Frigga squinted, Gertrude had something on her mind and was clearly nervous to say it. She turned to look directly at the woman. “What’s wrong, is everything alright?” No answer, not immediately. Frigga’s stomach twisted, she held her breath.
Finally, Gertrude said, as quietly as possible, “I…I feel I must warn you against Razi Wood.” Frigga frowned and looked more intently at Gertrude before turning back to the mirror. “I’m not sure what you mean,” she declared neatly, keeping her expression as neutral as possible. She could feel Gertrude’s flat expression digging into her spine. “I’ve been starting my duties quite early in the morning, Miss. Specifically this morning.”
Frigga swore internally. As far as she knew, Gertrude wasn’t the loudest mouth in the house. No, that was Doris. Trying to maintain a casual air, Frigga asked, “I wonder, Gertrude, if your observations were passed on to anyone?”
“No, Miss, I thought I might spare you the embarrassment,” she said with a tone that radiated disapproval.
Frigga looked at her neck in the mirror where she had cast one of her special glamours to hide the evidence from the previous night. She’d developed the spell herself nearly a year ago when she’d had a stubborn blemish, and it was particularly handy because she wouldn’t need to re-cast it for a full week instead of the usual twelve hours glamours usually lasted. She sighed. “Thank you, I appreciate that.”
After a small pause, the attendant offered a distressed, “Miss Wood is not the type to settle, Miss Thorneheart.” The way she said this sounded like Frigga was in immediate danger of being kidnapped.
“Thank you, Gertrude,” Frigga dismissed the woman as her calm mask splintered. She did not want nor need the lecture today of all days. “I would appreciate your continued discretion.” Gertrude curtsied cooly. “She will meet you as requested,” she said as she left. Frigga’s measured expression broke and she scowled at herself in the mirror. There were many ways she could have prevented a mistake of this degree if she’d only prepared more thoroughly, but she just had to indulge her impulses didn’t she? She hadn’t planned on sleeping in Razi’s room, and she knew meeting her last night at all was going to be risky, but she’d wanted to spend a single night with the woman she loved. Why was that wrong? Why must she be punished for it? The woman she loved. Frigga rubbed her temples and screwed her eyes shut. That thought wasn’t meant to surface yet. It was too soon, this was too much, but that’s what it was wasn’t it? What else could it be? Of course their time together last night had been amazing, but it was more than that: it was love, the way Frigga would go out of her way to catch a glimpse of the woman at work, or the way Frigga thought of Razi any time something interesting or funny happened,
wishing to share the experience with her. It was love how Frigga missed Razi in the mornings waking up, or in the evenings about to fall asleep. And how could she not fall in love? Quietly confident, kind, considerate, and enough charm to convince a king to hand over the keys to a kingdom, surely. The way Razi smirked while she tied Frigga’s shoes, or the thought she put into their afternoon baskets, the way she watched over Frigga, indulged her in conversations on topics she knew nothing about so Frigga would feel comfortable and happy? The garden?
Frigga was doomed the instant she saw Razi.
Doris returned to finish dressing her. It didn’t take much longer and the moment it was done, Frigga grabbed her drawing things and rushed to the veranda where she always met Razi. She was already there.
They hugged before Razi knelt to tie Frigga’s laces. “Saw th’ old woman go up t’ your room,” Razi said as she tied efficient knots and planted a kiss on Frigga’s knee.
“The woman is practically psychic,” Frigga groaned.
“I was gon’ warn you tha’ she saw somethin’ this morning. Nearly bumped into ‘er after your door shut, but I couldn’ risk Doris seein’ a note.”
Frigga ran her fingers through Razi’s short hair and scratched lightly. “So that’s how she found out, but I think it’ll be fine. She warned me about you.”
Razi hummed a soft chuckle, finished tying the laces, and stood back up to offer Frigga one arm while grabbing their basket of supplies with the other. “That so?”
Frigga giggled, took the offered arm, and playfully bumped a hip into her escort’s. “Apparently you’re not the type to settle, she says. Can we go to the garden today?” “Of course, Princess.” They set off in that direction, but it took Razi a moment to reply to the accusation, her usual confident tone giving way to something much less certain. “Gert isn’t really wrong.”
“I noticed you’re popular in town.” Razi stiffened minutely at the statement, so Frigga rested her hand on Razi’s arm and grinned. “I can’t say I blame them.”
Razi’s nervousness dissolved and she smirked. “Y’might say I’m popular wit’ specific types, yeah.”
“Nothing improper, I’m sure.”
Razi put a hand to her own heart and affected the worst impression of innocence Frigga had ever seen. “Only the mos’ wholesome of interactions, I don’ know wha’ gave you any idea to th’ contrary.”
Frigga giggled as they reached the garden gate, and she opened it for her companion. “I’m sure your beautiful performance last night was just a coincidence. I thought you didn’t know any magic.”
“Been told tha’ by some, yeah.”
“During those wholesome interactions?”
Razi laughed as Frigga took her arm again. “Alrigh’ you got me. Too damn smart, y’know tha?”
Frigga looked away, but the comment revived the ache in her gut. Smart, but not smart enough. She looked for something to study to distract herself so that she could enjoy Razi’s company for even a minute longer. So many options, the peonies were just about to bloom and the air was thick with the azaleas that bloomed the week before. She might as well get something done before ruining her life. “How was your morning? I hope you weren’t too tired.”
They stopped at the peonies and Frigga knelt down to one that was barely blooming and opened her sketchbook. Razi stepped back. “I’ve worked wit’ less sleep before, but it’s rare tha’ I wanted t’ sleep in so badly.”
Frigga smiled. “Me too. Well, I guess I did get to sleep in when I got back to my room.” “Aren’t you lucky,” Razi’s turn to tease. “Spoiled rotten, you.”
Frigga looked up at the servant. “It’s entirely your fault, if you had been born rich we could have slept in all day together.”
Her tease was returned as Razi light heartedly crossed her arms. “Ah, how rude of me. I guess you’ll just 'av t’ settle for someone tha’ actually works.”
“I would if you wanted me to.” Frigga knew that wasn’t fair to say, but she wasn't sorry. Her cheeks warmed and she trained her eyes back on to her sketches and flowers. Razi blinked and then shoved her hands into her pockets before looking nervously away. Frigga knew she wasn’t used to someone having serious intentions towards her, she was more accustomed to being someone’s plaything for a night. But did she prefer it that way? “It’s alright, I get it,” Frigga said with a forced casualness that entirely failed to conceal the less beautiful emotion she attempted to smother, “and all those girls in town won’t charm themselves.” Razi didn’t respond right away, Frigga saw the woman gaping at her in her periphery. Frigga shouldn’t have said that, her jealousy was unbecoming and immature not to mention misplaced. Razi didn’t belong to her, she could do what she wanted. Not only that, but it was hypocritical of Frigga to be jealous when she was the one about to be engaged to someone else. “Tha’s not th' issue,” said Razi, and Frigga hadn’t heard her sound like that before; small, unsure, tense.
Frigga squinted at the peonies. Her sketch was starting to look like roses, not peonies. Of course it didn’t look right, she wasn’t paying attention, but if she stopped doing this, her emotions might get the better of her and she had to keep calm. “What is the issue? Is it me?”
“No,” she replied instantly. “No, it’s not you.” She paused, and Frigga tried not to hold her breath but failed. “Honest, I wasn’ gon’ think ‘bout settlin’ yet, not for a few more years.”
“So you really were just messing around with me, then? I was just another one of your girls?” Frigga hated herself for saying that, but it had slipped out.
Razi groaned. “Tha’s not true an’ you know it.”
She took a deep breath and reeled herself back in. Calm, she needed to be calm. “I do. I’m sorry.”
Razi sighed as if two hundred pounds had been lifted from her chest. “I’ve’nt ‘ad t’ consider settlin’, I’m not usually given th’ option. It don’t come up much, you’re th’ first I’ve considered in years.”
Frigga’s heart fluttered, but she gripped her pencil to brace herself. “Whether or not you’ve been given the choice to consider settling before, it doesn’t matter now, not anymore.” “What does tha’ mean?” Razi’s voice gained a defensive edge.
Frigga scowled at the peony next to her. “My aunt,” she said, “had Theodore over this afternoon.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“And they’ve been planning for Marcus and I to be betrothed for months. Marcus is going to propose to me tomorrow.”
Razi’s frown was audible from where Frigga was avoiding her gaze. “That was fuckin’ fast.” Frigga shrugged. She was already so tired from all this and felt like, if she went and napped, this would all go away. It wouldn’t, but the fantasy of it was comforting. “I don’t know what I expected would happen, but I hoped I’d have more time.”
“Do you even know Marcus tha’ much?” Razi asked, and her tone was properly angry now. Frigga peered up at Razi and found the woman’s shoulders tense, her eyes turned away, and her lips thin with self-restraint.
“We’re friends,” Frigga replied, “have been for a few years.”
“Isn’t he tha’ girly boy? Don’t ‘e jus’ see other men?”
“Usually, but he saw Hildegarde Tremaine right before he went away to school, so not always.”
Razi muttered a curse and turned her back, pacing for a minute in what was a transparent attempt to reel her anger back in. She didn’t seem to be very successful with the bitterness she spoke with, “It’s not like I’ve never been through this before. Girls get married all th’ time, so thanks for th’ notice, I guess. Sorry I wasn’t marriagable enough or whatever.”
Frigga grimaced at the coldness and kept her eyes glued to her page. “It’s not like I chose this, and you haven’t exactly been clear about if that’s something you want either.” She finally met Razi’s gaze. Her beautiful hazel eyes were nearly shut with fury and the woman’s breathing was strained from the effort of keeping emotions at bay. The two women held each other’s gaze, and it dawned on Frigga that Razi wasn’t merely angry. No, there was something more complex in
her expression; in an unexpected dose of irony, Razi was jealous for Frigga, a revelation that made Frigga incredibly happy and incredibly ashamed that she was incredibly happy about it. Frigga looked back to her book, burying her twisted delight under layers of graphite. Razi huffed, turned away, and relaxed her tense shoulders a fraction. “You ‘appy ‘bout it?” “I tried to tell her that I wasn’t ready, but my aunt made it clear she knows I have no interest. Told me to take a mistress.”
“Is tha’ what you’re asking of me, Frigga?”
She knew Razi wasn’t going to go for the option, but she hadn’t expected Razi to sound so offended, as if Frigga had suggested they go skinny dipping in the sewer. “I don’t want to, but I don’t see another option.”
Razi’s hands curled into fists in her pockets and her shoulders tensed. “I’m not gon’ accept being a second choice, I don’ need this shit,” she muttered under her breath and she rubbed at her eyes. Her hand came away damp. “You rich people suck sometimes.”
Frigga laughed, cynicism dripping from it. “I’m sorry about that. Look, I’m not asking anything of you other than what you said last night. You said you wanted to figure out what I am to you, I’d like you to figure it out too.”
“And if I say no t’ bein’ a kept woman?”
“Then everything will be the way it was two months ago. You don’t need to worry about your job, if that’s what you mean.”
Razi snorted. “Nah, I’m not stickin’ around to see you go off an’ play wifey to some bloke.” That was entirely understandable, and a relief quite frankly. Frigga nodded and shut her eyes. “I’m sure my aunt could help you find another family to work for, if you needed.” There was a hot, turgid pause, and Frigga was certain Razi was about to back out and end it all. But when the woman spoke, it was with soft vulnerability she’d heard only once before. “Wha’ if I said I jus’ want you, no man-made baggage?”
Frigga froze and looked at the grass. She sounded so scared. Razi had, on more than one occasion, been used by some girls she’d been fond of. The woman had never gone into detail and usually changed the subject before Frigga could ask, so Razi exposing her heart like this was a sign of her trust.“What are you asking of me, now?”
“I don’ know, Frigga. Maybe that you don’ get married?”
Frigga repressed a derisive snort. “I would love that. Let me know when you’ve convinced Auntie Sapphire of it, will you? I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for her.” Razi muttered a harsh curse, picked up a twig, and started snapping it into small pieces. “Everyone says tha’, right before they go ’n do it. Or after they already done it like it’s gon’ make me feel better. Perfect, just perfect.”
“I’m not…I’m not doing that,” Frigga said, trying to keep the hurt from her tone.
“You just did!” Razi protested with an aggressive edge that caused Frigga to lose her patience. “I’m trying to tell you that I want to be with you, I don’t want to marry him! What have I done that makes you think I’m lying?”
Razi fell silent and scowled at the ground. Frigga took the pause to reel in her defensiveness. It wasn’t going to be helpful, not if she wanted this discussion to end well. Razi walked over to Frigga and knelt beside her, though she kept her eyes away. “You’ve’n’t done nothin’, I’m sorry,” she answered sullenly. “If anythin’, you’ve been more honest than you should’ve been, so I guess tha’s why I like you in the first place.” She plucked a piece of grass and started ripping it apart like she had the twig. “Wha’s th’ timeframe for this whirlwind engagement of yours?”
Frigga closed her book and shoved the pencil behind her ear to give Razi her undivided attention. “There’s an engagement party a week today, and usually it takes several months to plan the wedding, but…”
Razi bit her lip. “Wit’ the way your Aunt’s been ‘bout this, it probably won’t be tha’ long.” Frigga nodded. “I just want to make my family proud, Raz. I don’t expect you to understand.” Razi flinched and her eyes shot up to Frigga, narrowed and angry. “What…what the fuck s’tha’ supposed to mean?”
Wincing, Frigga scrambled to walk her thoughtless statement back. “No, I mean… I know you don’t care for politics, but I don’t have a choice, I have to appease people’s expectations.” “So you think just ‘cause I got no family I can be your little pet, huh?” Razi glowered, her teeth ground together.
How had her words been twisted so harshly? “No!”
“Really? ‘Cause that’s what it sounds like.”
“Of course not!”
“I can’t throw my self-respect away jus’ so you can make your precious coven of assholes ‘appy.”
“I can’t tell them no, just for my own happiness!”
“Why?”
“They depend on me! If I don’t do what they want, everyone loses!”
“They’re big boys and girls, they can ‘andle losing one year’s bonus. Maybe they’ll even do some real work t’ make ends meet for once! Would do ‘em good.”
“You don’t get it, Razi, you could never understand the pressure I’m under because of all this.”
“‘Cause I’m not part of your exclusive club, I guess I’m not important enough, eh?” “You know that isn’t what I meant!”
Frigga’s warm chest was heaving with her temper, and the look Razi levelled at her was a storm of outrage and fury. Frigga knew the other woman hadn’t meant to antagonize and was
acting out from a place of pervious hurt, but Frigga was trying to come to a compromise and Razi was refusing anything less than first place; there was no compromise, there was probably no way they could work any of this out at all. But even in her own flush of anger, she couldn’t stop gazing at Razi and noticing all the beautiful features that she loved so dearly. Frigga hated arguing with her like this, hated being upset with Razi and hated that Razi was upset because of her, but even in her upset Frigga loved this woman. She yearned to grab her and pull her in for a kiss, yearned for them to put this argument aside and steal away to make it up to each other.
“Frigg,” Razi finally dropped her gaze, taking a deep breath. “I know you didn’ mean it like tha’.”
The witch sighed in relief. “Yes.”
“But, I can’t do tha’ to myself. Not for anyone.”
“I know. I…I don’t want any of this.”
“What do you want?”
Frigga considered the question and looked back to Razi who was still looking at the ground. Such a broad question. Frigga wanted a lot of things, but in this moment Razi was asking for Frigga’s vulnerability. “I want everyone to be happy and to make my family proud. I… I want to study plants and magic, and I want to learn more about the world. I know so little, I’ve only seen a sliver. And I just want to love who I love and not have to sacrifice myself for everyone else. But…”
Razi looked back up to Frigga and winced. “But you can’t.”
Frigga shook her head. “I can’t.”
Razi took a deep breath and then cupped Frigga’s cheek. “Sorry t' make it ‘arder on you.” Frigga leaned into Razi’s touch sadly, but then found some levity to lighten the air. “Maybe we can find you a dragon to slay or something, get you a knighthood. That might fix this.” Razi smirked, kissed Frigga’s forehead, and stood. “Tell you wha’,” she said as she offered her hand to help Frigga stand. “Let’s take th’ week, not talk ‘bout this, and do our own thinking. I’ll find tha’ answer for you, and you can think of wha’ forward could look like.” Frigga was helped to her feet, and she immediately wrapped her arms around the woman and buried her face in Razi’s shoulder. She said a prayer of gratitude in her heart because Razi hadn’t ended everything and Frigga still had some time with her, even if it was limited. Eventually she answered, “I think that’s a good idea, but I still need you to make sure I don’t get eaten by wolves on my walks. I’m helpless, after all.”
Razi snickered and grinned against Frigga’s forehead. “Deal.”
